


isn't it lovely, all alone.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 18:04:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14816190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: He knows that there will be more days like this, when the anxiety gets so bad that he felt like he couldn’t breathe, but Phil felt like a steady anchor to an anxious heart.or sometimes it's hard to be away from the one.





	isn't it lovely, all alone.

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'lovely' by billie eilish ft. khalid.

_i miss you,_ but isn’t that a lame text to send? Dan thinks to himself, his fingers are wanting to send a risky text. Well, it’s not risky- it’s just vulnerable. Dan bites down on his bottom lip looking it over erasing it again and again because he doesn’t know if he’s ready to put his heart on the line like that. What if Phil doesn’t respond? What if he laughs at him? Dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

It’s late enough for his mind to start wandering about things that his thoughts shouldn’t go to. He’s tired. His body is tired. His mind is tired. Everything aches and exhaustion rests on his bones. He’s listening to sad music because it never seems to help him feel better it at least makes him feel something so that has to count, right? 

Dan gulps, typing the text again and sending it. 

He gets up to brush his teeth, it’s something that will kill at least a couple of minutes so he’s not constantly checking his phone. Phil might have gone to bed but it’s unlikely. There’s anxiety that sits in the pit of his stomach, he brushes his teeth faster and races down the hall back to his room to see a new message on his screen. 

_I miss you too._

Dan sighs in relief, but that pain still feels there. He doesn’t know _why_ it’s there, doesn’t understand why the pain rests in his chests the way it does making it hard for him to breathe. He’s thinking of all the conversations they’ve had before, the long nights that they’ve stayed up texting back and forth because it was easier for Dan to say it over text than it was over a video call about his anxieties and how he’s afraid that Phil will get bored of him and leave. 

He’s heard countless of times that Phil won’t, and that when Dan was ready he was there waiting for him.

He takes a deep breath typing a reply. 

_it’s been a long day.._

He goes over to turn the lights off and he sits in the middle of his bed in complete darkness. 

_I’m sorry to hear that dan, do u want to talk about it?_

_Not really_ , Dan thinks, talking about it would imply that he’s still scared about these things. Talking about it implies that he worries about it still. He doesn’t want Phil to think that he’s not capable of handling his own shit and his own insecurities, but there are some days when the nights seem so long and so heavy that he really can’t. 

_no i just wish i was there with you_

Dan gets under his covers going through his text messages with Phil from earlier in the day smiling to himself at all the times Phil embarrassed himself trying to film something in public. It always amazed him that no matter how shitty the day is Phil always tried to make him smile even when he didn’t feel like it. 

_I wish you were here too. It sucks being so far away ):_

Dan thinks that someday Phil will know everything about him. Every worry that he’s ever had, every fear, every small or big detail about him, the things that make him tick, the things that make him happy, the insecurities that could eat him alive, the anxiety from things he cannot control, the longing that he feels for something that seems so unattainable, the hopes and dreams of the future, the stories that shaped him, the experiences that raised him.

He’ll know all about it, but for now, Phil gets _this_ part of him. This messy part that may not make a lot of sense, that comes out of nowhere sometimes and stays for a while but always leaves when it must. 

_i’m sorry for being like this sometimes hahah_  
_i wish i could understand it_

If he can laugh at a problem then it objectifies it, makes it seem less of what it is, and he knows that it’s a defense mechanism but it works at protecting himself so he doesn’t get hurt. 

_I love you._  
_You don’t need to understand it_  
_Do you want to call?_

Dan stares at his messages, letting the words sink in and wait for it to fill the tiny crevices of his heart where the dark came in. 

_i love you too._  
_no i think i just need to sleep_

(And hope that by morning this feeling would be gone.) 

_I love you more than buffy_  
_I think that’s a good idea mum always says sleep makes everything better_  
_and my mum is always right._

Dan reads the text message and he smiles shaking his head.

_< 333 i’m honoured that you love me more than buffy._

Dan knows that he needs to sleep now, but he waits, wanting to draw this out longer. 

_Do you remember when you first came to visit? We had gone to the tescos near my house to get snacks and we heard a muse song and you dropped the crisps and i dropped the ice cream because we were so excited to hear it playing in the store?_

Dan didn’t believe in fate but that moment felt like something. He remembers looking at Phil wide-eyed with excitement because it was one of the many things that they shared a mutual love over; it was something that connected them. He remembers feeling a warmth that he hadn’t felt before, or maybe it was the feeling that whatever this was between them was new, unfamiliar and exciting that he didn’t want to let it go. 

_yeah, why?_

Phil’s reply is quick.

_No reason. I just want you to think about that right now._  
_Good night Dan._  
_Tomorrow is a new day. <3_

Phil felt like coming up for fresh air when you felt like you were drowning. He didn’t know how to explain it other than that. He knows that there will be more days like this, when the anxiety gets so bad that he felt like he couldn’t breathe, but Phil felt like a steady anchor to an anxious heart. Phil may not understand it, may not get the way that he drowns but Dan knows that he’ll always be there, reminding Dan of the good times because they always outweighed the bad times. 

Sometimes love was in the middle of a tescos or just one text message and two-hundred and twenty-one point eight miles away. 

_Goodnight Phil. <3_

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilisman.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/174454486543/isnt-it-lovely-all-alone-pairing-danphil) on tumblr if ya feel inclined.


End file.
